We would never have imagined it possible: living with a partner in whose arms we never give ourselves up. Let’s decipher some of the reasons that can kill marital sex.
Why do so many couples not have enough sex?
We don’t make love anymore because we are too fused
The mainspring of sexual desire is the lack of the other person. The less time we spend with the loved and desired one, the more we want to check that the link with them is real. Sociological studies show that everything that contributes to the stability of a couple and makes them exist independently of their sexuality (marriage, birth of children, purchase of a home) leads to a drop in the number of sexual encounters.
Thus, stinging the mystery. In other words, in a state of marital fulfilment, there can be no intense sexual desire. All the more so if this fulfilment is expressed by making bed together, without asking oneself if this responds to a desire! According to a sexologist and author of numerous books on sexuality, “becoming convicts of common bedding” is a formidable predator of desire. It is therefore necessary to know how to maintain a space of mystery and inaccessibility between oneself and the other so that desire remains for long, long, long years.
We no longer make love because the family takes up too much space
We have children because we love each other and we end up not loving each other (figuratively speaking, to begin with) because we have children. Many couples fall victim to this absurd logic. The arrival of a child is indeed very disturbing for a couple, because it captures the mother’s loving attention. The mother develops such a strong bond with her baby that it distracts her from her partner. A woman can even feel erotic emotions while breastfeeding her child, while holding it against her to give it a bottle, while touching it, while caressing it.
As a result, the desire for sexuality with her partner is blunted. If the father does not react, does not defend the privileged bond that binds him to his wife, if he does not reactivate a process of seduction, the couple can plunge into abstinence. This is not necessarily painful at first, but it can cause problems if it continues.
We no longer make love because we have too many worries
To make love is to connect with one’s own body, so as to be able to open up to the other person’s body in a second stage. Sexual relations are all the more fulfilling when you manage to clear your head and abandon yourself in the arms of the other person. Unfortunately, when one’s mind is cluttered with professional, family and material problems, one can forget even the idea of making one’s body exult.
One of the secrets of couples who remain in love is that they plan time to make love. Sex does not appear as the icing on the cake, to reward themselves for all the chores they would have done on their own. Sexuality is part of their priorities. As such, it is the object of attention and therefore of scheduled time. But anticipating the idea of making love is a fantastic springboard for desire. It allows you to be available in your head and to refocus on your body.
The best tips and advice for a happy and lasting marriage
Whether you are an old couple or newly married, there are some basic rules to follow. It’s not always easy to put them into practice, but it’s important to do so. If you follow them, your marriage will be stronger and you will enjoy the good things about being together – fun, sex, trust, affection – even more.
Seek balance in love
Boredom, frustration and daily irritations can extinguish the flame between you and it is not by multiplying them that you will rekindle it. However, you will if you focus on the good things in your relationship. Here’s how to do it:
It takes an average of twenty positive remarks to make up for the harm of a single negative comment, a hard look or an impatient “um”. Therefore, reinforce the positive and tone down the negative. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, your husband on his new blue shirt. Thank him for his participation in household chores. Call her at her desk to let her know you are thinking of her (above all, avoid discussing the housework or the children’s bad grades).
Make sure your compliments and thanks are sincere and specific. Look your partner in the eye when you smile or compliment them. Accompany a tender gesture with a happy sigh.
When you do this, you realise that you not only know how to irritate your partner, but also how to please them. After all, that’s how the relationship started. You also discover that it is always time to express your affection. When you come home at night, give him a hug and a kiss so that he knows you are happy to see him.
On a rainy Sunday morning, surprise her by bringing her coffee in bed (and stay to chat with her). Appreciate her qualities and ignore her faults. To let her know how happy you are to be with her, give her your best smile as you carry the recycling bin to the curb. Resolve to give each other a long kiss every night before you go to bed. You do lots of little things for your kids, why not for your spouse?
Touching helps release “pure happiness” endorphins in both givers and receivers. Walk arm in arm on the way to the grocery shop. When you kiss her in the morning, stroke her cheek with your fingertips. Bring back those little gestures from your first moments together: a little kiss behind the ear, a hand through the hair, etc. Touch is a complex language, and you should expand your vocabulary.
In the long run, these small physical gestures will cement your love. A united couple can weather any storm (and avoid infidelity more easily). To strengthen this bond, start by supporting your soul mate. When external conflicts arise, whenever possible take his or her side. Keep his or her secrets to yourself, even if your co-workers spill the beans. Unless it’s an emergency, don’t let anyone interrupt your time together. That’s what voicemail and the bedroom lock are for.
Also, resolve to spend 30 minutes a day together talking about everyday things, goals and dreams; avoid discussing household chores or questioning the meaning of your relationship. Think of this half hour as a time to strengthen your friendship. Studies show that friendships strengthen romantic and sexual bonds. Set aside time for intimacy, even if it means putting it on your agenda. What? Plan for sex? If it’s necessary, certainly. Spontaneity is fine, but if you need affection or physical love, don’t wait for the perfect moment to present itself.
Don’t wait for the right opportunity to celebrate your achievements either. Super Bowl winners, World Series champions, gold medalists all have one thing in common: when they win, they celebrate. Even small victories deserve to be celebrated. If your marriage is going well, that in itself is a reason to celebrate. Have dinner at the restaurant where you proposed or plan an off-season trip to Paris. You’ve earned it.